Living Memory
by hurricaneblast
Summary: It is often the past that defines the present and it is these memories that make them even more precious. After all, you never realise something's worth until you lose it. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gakuen Alice.

* * *

**LIVING MEMORY**

What do you do when so much grief engulfs you and every inch of its helpless existence feels like it's tearing you apart?

When every touch, every memory, every remnant of the past screams its silent reminder of what was and what will never be.

Yesterday's phone call. The birthday present from last year. That last evening together, where the sunset coloured the sky a blend of purples, reds and yellows and at the timeless moment, it seemed as if the world has never been so rich, so beautiful. I know that every treasured memory, every gesture and reminder, every sunset is not the same anymore. And now it seems as if the world has never been so terrifying, unpredictable, and most of all, consuming. The sky lost its vibrance and life as I have lost him.

While walking towards the Academy's Gardens, the past hits me and I almost stagger upon its impact. I cannot help but think that these have been the halls that his presence once filled, and even as I reach the green of the garden and the Sakura tree, I ache. I cannot help but think, as I approach the tree, _this is where we have been, this is the spot where he was_, and it is like his presence marks this spot completely his as I recall our times together. I walk further. I recognise branches we have once climbed. I identify places where we laughed together. I see the stain of chocolate, where I have once dropped a piece of the cake upon arguing. I feel him everywhere- except that he is not here. And I continue to grieve.

I think someone calls my name. I look at Hotaru and I see her moving lips, but I can't hear a thing.

"…okay?" I think she says, but I only stare. I feel her hands on my shoulder. I continue to_ feel_, and the fragility makes me feel as I am hearing cracks where my heart is. I see her ring on her finger, and I remember it is from Ruka-pyon. And I remember I was with Natsume too when I helped Ruka-pyon choose. More cracks. I am breaking. I do not know how, but I want to be alone now. Hotaru's words begin to sound like an irritating buzz on my ear, and I want to to try and tell her to stop, but I can't. My mouth will not move because I fear my voice will break too, and she will be worried.

I mumble something about being fine. I walk away and I am relieved she doesn't follow. My grief is like a vacuum. I cannot let anyone near it, or it will engulf them too. It is too late, because I am the vacuum's power. I am inside it, or it is inside me, I cannot really tell. Only that I know I am in way too deep now.

We are one, maybe, grief and me. It is like we are now friends and my existence depends on it. The rational side of me tells me that I should move on, but something else, something more than the vacuum clings to _him,_ and I realise that he is my thread of life. He is Natsume Hyuuga, and I did not know why I never thought of it, but he is too large a part of me. _He was here with me last week_, I think. The memory of his eyes, our teasing, his protectiveness and the tenderness behind his usual cold demeanor. When he was alive, his gaze melted my heart. Now his memory is burning it, crushing it.

Ruka-pyon is here after minutes, hours, days, and even his smile fails to lighten the rock on my chest. It occurs to me that it will always be stuck there.

"Sakura-san…Natsume… He's gone," he says softly. Now I listen. His words mean something now, and it is sharp and it makes the rock in my heart larger, heavier. _I know_, I answer in my head. And I am angry, for no reason other than that he reminds me, and I don't want to hear his words. I know, deep inside the rock in my chest, that I will not accept them. I begin to think that I hate him and he should stay away. He would not move. He still follows me, even as I walk at a faster pace.

"…Please say something," he says, and he lightly touches the side of my arm, and then something in me snaps, and I stop and turn.

"I know he's gone. I know that!" I wrench my arm away. "But I try and try and I can't stop, like something in me is leaking and on every face I turn to, everyone is trying to ask me how I am, trying to remind me," I cry, and I can't make myself stop the words from coming. "Leave me alone. I'm fine!" It is a lie, of course, but I tell him anyway. I think it is to make him hurt, because suddenly I can't stand that everybody forgets easy.

Instantly I know that I am wrong.

He gives me a look, and there is something in that look that tells me it is not only me who is grieving. He is with me, too; he is also suffering.

"You can tell me you want to be alone," he speaks, "You can tell me you don't want any reminders of - of N-natsume, Sakura-san…" There is something in his eyes, something akin to what I am feeling. "But you can't tell me you're _fine_. You're _not_."

I look at him silently and I know that this is the person who really understands. When everyone came up to me to give their condolences, I know that most of them do not really know what understanding is. They claim they do, they relate it to something similar in their lives, or they feel a little grief and they claim they understand.

It takes a little more than that.

It feels like the walls are tumbling down, and there is light somewhere, but where? It is miles, miles away. I can say it is like the end of the world, but that would be hypocritical. It is that fact, I think, that the world is still here, that kills me. The world revolves, I breathe, and everyone else too. He is buried, under layers of ground, and my heart is, too. It beats without reason, it beats without consent, it beats even without purpose. It is alive, but it is dead. I am not alone with that thought.

"But we're still living, right? Breathing? Sakura-san… Hotaru is starting to get worried. I think we should get back."

It starts to rain, and I look up and close my eyes. Rain. Life. Joy. It cleanses me, everything in me, and I am so, so cold. The ground soaks my tears, my sadness. It is like a sponge. I wonder when it will be too heavy and condensed, but then I remember that it is an endless cycle. It will always rain and It will always shine, but inside, I really wonder if it is possible to move on.

One thing that is for certain, is that after years to come, if I shall live through it, I will not forget.

"He loves you," he says softly and it astounds me, because I did not expect those words.

"He's gone."

"Sakura-san-"

"Don't. I know what you're going to say." I feel like I have to cover my ears childishly, like it will block all noise.

"I was his best friend. It's not easy for me too. We all knew this was going to happen. His missions... They weren't exactly safe."

Words are dangerous. Saying the wrong thing is like missing a stone step on the way back home. One misstep and you could die. One wrong word and it could pierce your heart. I am suddenly filled with a new realisation, a new view and I embrace it.

"Not _was_, Ruka-pyon. _Is_. He's gone, but he lives." I place my fist in my chest and he gives me a look of what looks like admiration and respect. We both run back, and I see that Hotaru is waiting. It is sunset again, our last evening together.

I know that every touch, every memory, every remnant of the past screams its silent reminder of what was and what will never be.

That last evening we had together, where the sunset coloured the sky a blend of purples, reds and yellows and at the timeless moment, it seemed as if the world has never been so rich, so beautiful. I know that every treasured memory, every gesture and reminder, every sunset is not the same anymore. And now it seems as if the world has never been so terrifying, unpredictable, and most of all, consuming. The sky lost its vibrance and life as I have lost him.

...But even when I have lost, I remain, and his past, our past, it is not dead.

* * *

**I guess when inspiration hits, it really does. I felt like I had to write everything down. For some reason, this oneshot was a bit hard to write. I guess because it's focused too much on Mikan's emotions, and that in itself, is pretty draining.  
**

** If you liked it, by all means, please review. :)**


End file.
